Does God Care….

In my opinion, I don’t think he does.

At least not in our decisions. We get in life whatever we choose to do. God will not interfere with our decisions. That’s what free will is. The ability to do whatever we want to do.

I’ve noticed a lot more people here in this town standing on the corners asking for help. These guys, and a couple girls, look physically capable to hold a job. Why aren’t they? I believe it’s because they don’t want to put in the effort to work.

A coworker and I were talking about what God will provide us, as his creations.

I presented a situation.

I asked, if a man was to go off into the wilderness and sit on the ground and refuse to get up and there were no people around or anyone who knew he was out there; would God provide the things he needs?

I said no, and he mentioned a verse,


And I had to agree. But then I ask myself why so many people don’t realize that, or do they just choose not to practice it. So I thought about it. And I realized that the one thing these people have lost and the one thing that separates Faith from Fear; is HOPE.

My coworker told me the definition for Faith comes from Hebrews 11:1.

Faith is the substance of things HOPED for, the evidence of things not seen.

Then I read a quote by Bob Proctor,

faith and fear1

So I took the definition for Faith, and replaced the word HOPE with DESPAIR,

Fear is the substance of things DESPAIRED, the evidence of things not seen,

and I saw what I had lost in my past for the reason I could not sober up. I had lost HOPE. And without Hope I could not see the Prize. Without Hope I could not see the benefits of sobriety, so by practicing Fear I would always go back to using. Now that I’ve been sober for over five years, I have experienced the rewards and sobriety is so much easier now. And I believe this is true for every aspect of my life. I’ve learned that any time I lose Hope, I can not see the rewards. Life begins to seem impossible, like going back to school, finding a better job, but as long as I keep Hope, I practice Faith and life seems so much easier. But it’s a battle every day. I’ve also learned that it could take months, even years but I just have to keep moving forward.

I do believe in God, and I believe he helps those who help themselves. Then I thought about those people on the corners. They’re putting in work, and getting a reward. We just do it differently, we do it the only way we know how. Because that’s all we can do; What we know.

Does God Care?

does god care?
what about when you’re at your saddest moment. dirty, hurt, broke, crying out to god….and nothing.
you don’t hear anything. no one comes to your rescue. you’re stuck there and don’t know what to do.
has anyone else been there?
I believe so.
at that moment, does god care?


After 6 month, I realized rather quickly that a life consisting of going to work, coming home, then doing it all over again every day with the same results of just barely paying the bills and still not being able to buy any of the things I wanted or even go see my family; was beginning to drag me down. I couldn’t figure out why; after all the hard work I was doing that I couldn’t get ahead. I learned that my money management skills were one of the reasons but after another 6 months of finally getting a hold on that, life still wasn’t what I had hoped. Now it was better than it had ever been my whole life, but nothing that would keep me motivated or inspired to want to get up and be happy. I was single, couldn’t afford to do anything with anyone or even myself. I began to get depressed. I didn’t think about drinking or drugging, but I did think about what I could do to improve my life somehow. I began to ask myself what it was I really wanted. At first, I didn’t know. But after some time of continuously asking myself the same question, answers began coming to me. I knew I was tired of being broke, barely making it and scraping by, so I began reading books on investing. I’m actually doing quite a bit of stuff now trying to improve my life and failing. But the funny thing is, even though I’m failing; it gives me something to thrive for. Something that makes me want to get up in the morning and try again. Everything I read says; no matter how many failures I get, never give up. And I will not. I’m so focused on achieving my dreams that drinking and drugging seldom come to mind unless someone else brings it up. And I believe that’s one of the major things a recovering alcoholic or drug addict can do to stay sober; find something that they’re passionate about. As Will Smith says, “If you want something, go get it. Period.” No matter what it is…..sobriety…..happiness. It won’t be easy, but what in life is.

All I know is, I’m tired of being broke. Tired of not being able to spend time with my family. Tired of making someone else’s dreams come true.

I may never achieve my goals or dreams, I may scrape by the rest of my life…..but I do know one thing…….I refuse, to give up.

What’s this life for?

So I’ve been sober five and a half years. Some would say that’s not exactly true since four years of that time I was incarcerated. Although, what most don’t know is the accessability of mind-altering substances in the prisons. Up to the time I sobered up, I was still smoking weed and taking any type of pill I could get my hands on. Especially psychiatric medication because that was the easiest to get a hold of. Yes, being on those drugs to change your mood – in my opinion – is still using. Sober involves dealing with life without anything to change your state of mind.

Now that I’ve been out for a bit, I’ve asked this question of myself numerous times. What’s this life for?



A year and six months into this life of sobriety. It seems life is getting harder and more complicated every day. But I am grateful and blessed. Tonight I’m somewhat down because of a woman I lost. I went a year focusing on my sobriety before getting into any type of relationship, but as soon as the year was up, I found someone. It started complicated and ended complicated. On her terms…..LOL. Now I know why it is suggested us – alcoholics and drug addicts – wait. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to stay clean if I had gone through all these emotions earlier in my sobriety. It hurts…..but I know I’ll be ok. I’m also thankful, I learned a lot about relationships and how much I don’t know about treating a woman. I thought I treated her well but my finances and lifestyle haven’t improved enough yet. Which is understandable…..although I feel they’ve improved tremendously from my past……….things are different for those who have never been where I’ve been or lived how I lived. When this is over, I’ll be stronger and more prepared for my next encounter. But stressing to those who are new into their sobriety, waiting a year for a relationship is a small price to pay for sobriety.

Never to be seen again

Well, its been awhile since I wrote anything. Life has been great and time is flying by like the wind…..LOL

I’ve been able to accomplish a couple more goals by regaining my driver’s license and purchasing a vehicle. I have to admit it took a couple of days for it all to hit me. This whole year I had been working my way toward those very goals….and then just like that ……they happened so quickly. The amount of freedom I felt was overwhelming. I felt I had to notify someone of my whereabouts…LOL

Some of the things I learned this past year that helped tremendously in buying my truck was managing my money, by first spending less than I earned.

May sound logical to some of you….but to me… made little sense. I was raised to believe that I could never do that because everything costs too much. So I watched videos on how to do it. I began to keep track of exactly how much money I had coming in, and where I was spending it. I’ve found that few people know exactly where all their money goes. Some people I’ve asked don’t even know exactly how much money they bring in. All they now is they never have enough and they are always behind. It took a lot of effort….but it all has paid off. It also took a lot of sacrifice.

My first major expense was food. I realized I was eating a lot of fast food and it was expensive. Now I went to the extreme at first…….and I have a belief that all addicts do this, go from one extreme to another…….I ate the easiest thing I could make. Peanut Butter and oatmeal. It was also about the only thing I knew how to make….LOL And I ate it three times a day.

For three months, that was my main food while I looked up recipes and tried making different things. It helped a lot. I began to see that paying the bills was becoming a little easier and I actually found it quite satisfying cooking my own meals.

The second thing I had to overcome was impulse buying. If I was with someone going to work and they stopped at the store….I felt I had to buy something. To stop this I had to identify why I felt I needed to buy something and I found I bought things so the guys around me wouldn’t think I was broke. It was a pride issue. Once I realized that and began telling myself that what people thought was none of my business…..I was able to stop. Although there still were a few times where I would walk into the store and then walk out empty handed telling myself, “I have nothing to prove.” Over and over…..LOL

But the main thing I’ve learned so far, is to never let to much time go by without expressing how I feel to those who are important in your life. I never thought sobriety could be so great…….

So I always do my best to remember that once the seconds, minutes, and days pass….they’re gone forever.

I am thankful for today, my sobriety, and my freedom.

It takes effort….but it’s all worth it…..God Bless.


Let me begin by saying, that I understand and accept that my life; is, as it is, because of my past and present actions. I’m not complaining or do I regret my past actions. I was blinded during those times by my pain and misguided teachings.
Today though….I can see!
Although life is better, it has also gotten harder. I’ve acquired the habit of questioning everything.
Something I’m told from every one I speak to regularly is that; I – think too much. Now these people aren’t friends…just acquaintances. I don’t have any friends for that very reason I mentioned earlier. But it’s OK, as long as it helps me achieve what I’m after. The past year I’ve listened and read books by the likes of; George S. Clason, Napolean Hill, Bob Proctor, Eric Thomas, Rhonda Byrne, Jack Canfield…..and numerous others. It’s all I think about, it’s all I talk about….it’s labeled me a dreamer among my acquaintances….but it’s given me enormous hope. And some great results….
My problem arises,….when I want more.
Today I’m doing better than I’ve ever done my whole life. Which doesn’t say much if you’ve ever read any of my past post. LOL
The one question I continue to return to and have great difficulty answering to myself is this; What is this life for?
How can I truly be happy if I don’t have the money to do the things I want to do? Must I accept that I’ll never be rich and must do without? Or do I believe I can somehow figure out a way to make the money to allow me to do the things I wish. Buy the things I want, for myself and those I care about.
I began to lose hope these past couple of days because I felt like a hamster on a wheel. Just running in place…..getting nowhere. Of course I have what I need and some of what I want….but it’s not enough.
I want more.
Some would call that greed but I don’t care. It’s how I feel, it’s what I’m working toward. I don’t know how I’ll get there but I know without the hope and faith that it will some day come to pass…..I’d rather be dead.
People hate when I talk like that and feel I’m going too far. I just don’t see anything so great about life if I have to be a slave to live.
If I have to be at my job when they tell me to be there, wear what they tell me to wear, eat when they tell me to eat and do what they tell me to do. Just to make the money to pay my bills. I know it’s up to me to break the chains.
I’ve mentioned numerous times how I spent 21 years of my life drunk, high and in prison…thinking I was entitled to be given a good life without having to work for it…..
well the past five years…..four of those in prison….I’ve been clean and sober, giving 100% at every thing I do in hopes to find that one break – that one opportunity to jump ahead.

And I’ll admit, the results have been good. Even amazing at times and that’s what keeps me going.

I will continue to give 100%, and I’ve given myself 10 years……ten years to be where I want to be in life. I know exactly what I want….I wrote it down and I’ve started on my way. When the time is up, if I’m not even three quarter of the way to my dream….I’m done. I just don’t think I’ll have the faith and hope to continue.
Eric Thomas says, “You have to want it as bad as you want to breath!”
But first I must believe…
Unknown-“It is impossible to receive that which the mind refuses to accept.”
I must believe – I am free…..

Moving Forward

Each day of my life, I have many paths in front of me. Some are short, others are long. As I start on a path, new paths appear around me.

Exercising my free will, I’m able to choose any path I wish to take.

There’s a quote in a book by Ernest Holmes that says;

“Any path seems right if you don’t know where you’re going……

if you don’t know where you’re going, any path will take you there.”

I use to live spontaneously. Do whatever felt good or right at the time, but the results were rarely positive.

Of course I had fun, it didn’t last long though. Hangovers, being broke, having my utilities cut off, and the worst; getting incarcerated, those seem to last forever.

And I still remember those days, I was miserable, depressed and pleading with GOD and anyone who would listen to help rid me of the pain inside and my addiction.

The fun was just a temporary distraction from what I was really feeling.

I witness so many people today doing some of the same things I use to just to mask those feelings. Spending all their money on drugs and alcohol, partying every day or every weekend. Using any distraction possible to get through the day.

I believe thinking is the hardest work anyone can do. It’s so hard, people do anything possible to avoid it. And just because a person’s brainĀ is constantly racing doesn’t mean they are thinking. To consciously think takes effort. And effort; is work.

I know believe that in order for me, or anyone for that matter, to change anything in my life; inside and outside, I must first change my thinking.

And I believe this because I’ve tried it, and the results are awesome.

Now the day that changed my life, I didn’t just wake up and tell myself I would live the rest of my life clean and sober. No….it wasn’t that easy.

I had to convince myself that it was possible to live a life clean and sober. I had to believe I didn’t need alcohol and drugs to mask the pain. Because up to this point, at 35, I believed that it was impossible to live a life; free, clean and sober.

But what did come from that day, was a decision and a desire to find a way or the help I needed to accomplish my goal.

I know today that the same decision and desire can carry me toward accomplishing any goal. You only need to find the people who have done it. Who you can relate to in order to get the help you need to keep going.

Living clean and sober isn’t just about not using. Many people haven’t used in years yet they’re still miserable.

It’s about doing and being the best you can at everything you do. It’s about striving to be better, not just for you but for those you love. To find a purpose, and feel alive……….

We must have Hope. Because without Hope…..

what else is there?

As long as I keep trying; there’s a chance…..

if I give up?

It’s over.

I will keep moving forward.


Dream Big

Dreaming Big
As I’ve mentioned before, my first year out, I accomplished my goals. Which now don’t seem extraordinary but at the time of making them; to me they were. Well half way through this past year as I saw that accomplishing those goals were going to be easier than I had once thought…I began reading books and watching speakers on how to become wealthy….RICH. LOL
Which is everyone’s dream…..but what are people doing to accomplish those dreams. Something I’ve noticed recently is how much of what I’ve read and watched has ingrained itself in my mind. It’s all I talk about to anyone who’s willing to listen..or tolerate what I’m saying. I’m called a dreamer…crazy….no one wants to hear what I’m talking about.
At first I thought they were crazy….why wouldn’t anyone want to figure out why they can’t make the amount of money that could give them the freedom they so desperately want. I thought to myself, why wouldn’t they be interested in trying to figure out how to move up from the bottom. Because right now, that’s where I’m at. I’m even pushing away my family…no one really wants to talk to me because…..I do one of two things to people….I either inspire them; or depress the hell out of them.
I also mentioned before how I’m practicing balance. Right now I either talk, or I’m quiet as hell. No in-between. LOL But I have these dreams….I’m writing my goals….I have a vision board….I meditate…pray…..I use positive affirmations and self-talk….and it’s working….it shows at my job and in my life….but it turns 90% of the people I’m around away from me. I’m alone all the time. Which is OK most of the time…but sometimes I wish I could find like-minded people. I truly believe I will achieve my dreams…..10 years from now I believe I will be exactly where I want to be in life….or I’ll be dead.
Everything I read, study and watch show me principles that can be followed to achieve my goals…..there are people who have proven those principles to be true…..which I have also, on a smaller scale; and the results have been amazing.
Sometimes I talk at work about how I will not spend the rest of my life doing that job….and my coworkers think I’m talking down about the job. I am definitely not doing that…I just refuse to spend my life doing something I don’t love. Today, when I get off work, I do what I love….and I’m making a little money doing it. Jim Rohn said, work full-time on your job and part-time on your fortune. Today, I’m making the most money I know how to make….If I want to make more money…..I have to Learn how to make more money.
But before I can get there….before I can take that first step….I have to know where I want to go. I must have a destination. A focal point…I don’t have to know how I’m going to do it….just know where I want to end up.
And that’s where I’m at today.

Unknown- “It is impossible to receive that which the mind refuses to accept.”



I’ve been working on myself for years now, and it seems finding that balance is the hardest thing I’ve encountered so far.

I moved from one extreme, to another.

For instance, when I was in my addiction, I was very negative, I blamed everyone and everything. I didn’t care about anything.

Then when I began working on change, I was over-optimistic, some said. I still believe that’s a good thing but I don’t know. I’m always apologizing that I’m told I need to stop. I’m always talking about what I’m learning and trying to share with others around me, the philosophy I’m learning to the point of pushing people away. It’s all I talk about, read and watch. The people I’m around don’t understand how I don’t have a TV and keep up with the latest news. It gets lonely sometimes that I’m trying to limit how much I talk about it to others but I just can’t get into what seems to be popular.

Actually I refuse to get into that stuff. I feel it will be a step in the wrong direction. So I’ll just have to deal with the loneliness for a while longer. I know eventually I’ll meet like-minded people, I just need to find where they are.

I still have to work on keeping quiet about my beliefs. And realize rarely does anyone want to hear it.

I must work on knowing when is the right time to talk and when to keep quiet.

Thank you for letting me vent once again.